New school year, new me.

So this year/semester, I am reinventing myself. Sorta. I have plans, big ones. And I most definitely have goals. I am going to lose weight, drink more water, stop dealing with bullshit drama, do things that make me happy and healthy, exercise, and most importantly, bring more God into my life. So far, so good. Here's to resolutions, dreams and wishes come true. <3

Overwhelmed

So I sit here. Still shaking. I hate emotions. All of them. Their blind heavy weight that constantly overwhelms. I just got off skype, after talking to my redhead for over three hours. Some of our conversation was stupid, silly, vapid and happy. But most of it was pretty heavy. We're both so afraid. He's afraid of turning out exactly as he was always told he would, while I'm simply terrified of life. I don't really know how to live, I haven't done it very long it seems. I've spent so long in my valley, just me and my family, isolated, that even after a year the bright light of the big world still seems to blind me. I feel socially inept, awkward. I'm convinced that my friends laugh at me for gaffes I didn't know I made. And as far as my schedule....I don't know how to say "No! I can't! There simply isn't time", so I struggle along making passable efforts and earning half-assed approvals on things I wish weren't even in my life most days. I have 4 days of semi-peace left, 4 days of nothing to do in my apartment. Surrounded by clutter, errands I should run "to get ahead" and a pile of laundry (clean, waiting to be put away) large enough to swallow me whole. I almost wish it would. I'm scared of disappearing into myself like I did last semester, of failing everyone, most of all myself. I'm so afraid of not being good enough, and of not doing it right. And I only have three more days...

introduction

Once again i attempt to start a discipline of writing. Hopefully this time it will work. Another year of trying understand and possibly overcome the fundamental inconsistencies and contradictions of being human. <3 good luck to us all.