yesterday

i turned twenty... i feel old.

I finally gave in...

I have a Twitter

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Man...man...man

this might be why some people terrify me... http://funlikeworld.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=5

my favorite youtuber

aaand here's why laci green is awesome

Mood music

So I have the pleasure of know this artist personally and I have fallen in love with this song. It's a beautiful orignal...makes me want to write.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzQMRCLsok8

Summer!

So here I am, finally home for the summer and what am I doing? Why, starting over! I'm starting over in so many ways and getting to try so many new things. To date I'm giving up sodas (along with my redhead), exploring new forms of entertainment (yay anime and manga), trying to organize and perhaps downsize my life (helloooooo peace), exploring my faith and/or lack thereof, and of course going no 'poo. The last oddly enough  might wind up being my most difficult endeavor...my scalp seems pretty unhappy with me so far. But most of all,  I'm getting back on the writing thing, some way, some how. I'm tired of telling myself I'm not good enough or that no-one will read it. I just have to be good enough for me. So here we go.


 Also, I'm gonna leave a link here to my good ol' Xanga, because I still love that site and those people!
http://theyneversuspecttheshortone.xanga.com/

true

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.

- Edward Abbey

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- Graham Swift'>Possibly he knew, as he wrote this, that he was mad - because inside every madman sits a little sane man saying 'You're mad, you're mad.'

- Graham Swift

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Lazy days

These past few weeks I've been taking more and more of what I like to call hermit days. Sealing myself off from the noise of the world (except for the internet) and people and just relaxing. I'm seeing just how stressed I am lately and over what. From now on I resolve to make "me time", drink more water, treat myself a little, make sure that God's at the center of it, focus on the positive and eliminate the toxic people and things in my life as much as possible. I'm tired of always being tired, of faking it til I make it and just struggling to make it through with out someone noticing that something is wrong. I matter. Or at least I do now...

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New school year, new me.

So this year/semester, I am reinventing myself. Sorta. I have plans, big ones. And I most definitely have goals. I am going to lose weight, drink more water, stop dealing with bullshit drama, do things that make me happy and healthy, exercise, and most importantly, bring more God into my life. So far, so good. Here's to resolutions, dreams and wishes come true. <3

Overwhelmed

So I sit here. Still shaking. I hate emotions. All of them. Their blind heavy weight that constantly overwhelms. I just got off skype, after talking to my redhead for over three hours. Some of our conversation was stupid, silly, vapid and happy. But most of it was pretty heavy. We're both so afraid. He's afraid of turning out exactly as he was always told he would, while I'm simply terrified of life. I don't really know how to live, I haven't done it very long it seems. I've spent so long in my valley, just me and my family, isolated, that even after a year the bright light of the big world still seems to blind me. I feel socially inept, awkward. I'm convinced that my friends laugh at me for gaffes I didn't know I made. And as far as my schedule....I don't know how to say "No! I can't! There simply isn't time", so I struggle along making passable efforts and earning half-assed approvals on things I wish weren't even in my life most days. I have 4 days of semi-peace left, 4 days of nothing to do in my apartment. Surrounded by clutter, errands I should run "to get ahead" and a pile of laundry (clean, waiting to be put away) large enough to swallow me whole. I almost wish it would. I'm scared of disappearing into myself like I did last semester, of failing everyone, most of all myself. I'm so afraid of not being good enough, and of not doing it right. And I only have three more days...

introduction

Once again i attempt to start a discipline of writing. Hopefully this time it will work. Another year of trying understand and possibly overcome the fundamental inconsistencies and contradictions of being human. <3 good luck to us all.